Hirari
Super Moderator
Posts : 465
Join date : 2010-08-20
Age : 33
 | | Subject: Hirari Story Team App Mon Oct 25, 2010 4:31 pm | |
| Should I really do this? o3o; -pressured by twin again-
um...okay anyways... Hi.
Name: Hirari
Age: %(@&&% still not telling >_< Anyways Annie and Matt know.
Grade Level: %(@&!^%(2 THIS WILL GIVE OUT MY AGE.
Grade in English: A for every single semester in my life -3-
Stories: lol seriously....
heres the start of MS Heroes: http://mapleevolution.heavenforum.org/literature-f63/ms-heroes-part-i-t357.htm
and the start of MS Knights: http://mapleevolution.heavenforum.org/literature-f63/ms-knights-part-i-t359.htm
DM: http://mapleevolution.heavenforum.org/literature-f63/digimon-memorial-part-i-t365.htm
DMR: http://mapleevolution.heavenforum.org/literature-f63/digimon-memorial-revolution-part-i-t371.htm
and a sad little story: http://mapleevolution.heavenforum.org/literature-f63/december-8-t387.htm
Why I want to be in Story Team: Because I write a lot (as you can tell) and as a girl I like to get lost in fantasy stories 8D -drools- And also cuz my twin said so o.o
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Annie
Art Team
Title : Hopeless Romantic ♡
Infractions : 0
Posts : 319
Join date : 2010-10-17
Age : 29
Location : ur room. ♥
| | Subject: Re: Hirari Story Team App Mon Oct 25, 2010 7:02 pm | |
| ^ LOL TWIN... >_>
Go ahead, Matt. You do the job o3o~
(laziness~~~ <3) | |
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Uri
Advanced Member
Title : The storm freak.
Posts : 153
Join date : 2010-09-04
Location : Location location location
| | Subject: Re: Hirari Story Team App Mon Oct 25, 2010 10:00 pm | |
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xAsdfjkl;
Art Team
Title : Sunnie Oni Kuroi
Posts : 153
Join date : 2010-10-01
Age : 25
| | Subject: Re: Hirari Story Team App Tue Oct 26, 2010 5:40 am | |
| -stamps forehead~
SUNNIE'S STAMP OF APPROVAL <3 <3 :P | |
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lunasongxd
Art Team
Title : I = Luna Wut now
Posts : 194
Join date : 2010-08-27
Age : 30
Location : do u need to know?
| | Subject: Re: Hirari Story Team App Tue Oct 26, 2010 5:53 am | |
| -stamps Sunnie- Hirari I Approve your joining of the story team
w8 a minute..... | |
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xAsdfjkl;
Art Team
Title : Sunnie Oni Kuroi
Posts : 153
Join date : 2010-10-01
Age : 25
| | Subject: Re: Hirari Story Team App Tue Oct 26, 2010 5:57 am | |
| LOLOLOL, LUNA!! DD:
I'M NOT HIRARIII. ;A; | |
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BadMSAnimator
Administrator
Title : Pokemon Master
Posts : 294
Join date : 2010-08-20
Age : 30
Location : United States/South Korea
| | Subject: Re: Hirari Story Team App Tue Oct 26, 2010 7:42 am | |
| WTF DIGIMON NO
I'll Cnc later.
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Annie
Art Team
Title : Hopeless Romantic ♡
Infractions : 0
Posts : 319
Join date : 2010-10-17
Age : 29
Location : ur room. ♥
| | Subject: Re: Hirari Story Team App Wed Oct 27, 2010 6:40 pm | |
| - Hirari wrote:
- Should I really do this? o3o; -pressured by twin again-
YESH, YOU SHOULD STILL DO IT! DON`T HESITATE! YOU. HAVE. POTENTIAL. derp. o3o | |
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BadMSAnimator
Administrator
Title : Pokemon Master
Posts : 294
Join date : 2010-08-20
Age : 30
Location : United States/South Korea
| | Subject: Re: Hirari Story Team App Wed Nov 03, 2010 8:42 am | |
| Annie, your job to grade it. :P | |
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Hirari
Super Moderator
Posts : 465
Join date : 2010-08-20
Age : 33
| | Subject: Re: Hirari Story Team App Wed Nov 03, 2010 9:26 am | |
| ^All the Digimonness gave you headaches? =p | |
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Annie
Art Team
Title : Hopeless Romantic ♡
Infractions : 0
Posts : 319
Join date : 2010-10-17
Age : 29
Location : ur room. ♥
| | Subject: Re: Hirari Story Team App Wed Nov 03, 2010 5:24 pm | |
| OH MAH FAWKING GODDDDDD. D:
(bet he`s gonna take away leader job after i grade >_>)
BUT FINE.
I`LL GRADE NON-DIGIMON SCHUFFS.
c:
i still love you, hirari <3 | |
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Annie
Art Team
Title : Hopeless Romantic ♡
Infractions : 0
Posts : 319
Join date : 2010-10-17
Age : 29
Location : ur room. ♥
| | Subject: Re: Hirari Story Team App Wed Nov 03, 2010 9:39 pm | |
| *DON'T COUNT THIS AS DOUBLE POST >:C* + LOL. There is something called a "comma". XD I noticed some of your sentences are sooo long, with no pauses, and sometimes it just doesn't make sense anymore. o3o So yeah, use commas! + "bigger" (second paragraph)? Wouldn`t "older" sound a bit more right? XD + I found a few typos. Nothing big, so it doesn't matter much here. + Some sentences seem like it`s missing a few words. + You have a few tense problems. Just a few. + The story is a bit cliche, and it happened too fast. (read below) **Further In-Depth**- Please Take A Deep Breath First! (This is going to be ugly.):
You should really add commas into your sentences. Your sentences now seem like they`re stuffed together to save time. But hey, just add a few dots w/ a tail, and it`ll solve this problem! ^^
I did find at least one typo in your story, along with some missing words in some sentences. Missing words as in, they do make sense, but somehow they're just missing something. A word, yes, a word. Some of your word choices are quite unique, good job!
You don`t have much grammatical errors. Just watch out for some tenses, although I'm pretty sure you'll do a perfect job next time, because you're already getting the hang of it.
To be a writer, you must, or it's better, to write stories that no one has come up with yet, otherwise it'll just seem too cliche. As for this short story, I've seen these plots replay over more than a million times (especially in animes).
I know that maybe you're more into writing Digimon stories, but hey, if you wanna become a writer, then all your stories must be attractive, whether it's fan-fic or original.
In the conclusion of your story, it suddenly jumps from a sorrowful mood to happiness. You didn't give the reader enough time to consume the text and it directly jumps to a solution. SUSPENSE GIRL, YOU NEED SUSPENSE! Drag the plot longer.
Additionally, I can't find your style.
I don't know if it's just me, but I really can't find your style of writing.
Well, maybe the slightest bit, but try adding a style to your story. Making it seem like ONLY YOU could write this story.
**Result**- I Still Love You, Really <3:
Hirari.
I love you.
I don't think you're ready;
But you OBVIOUSLY have a good sense of grammar.
Apply again, add more commas in your stories (beware of run-ons), triple check your tenses,
and come up with a killer plot. <3
Sorry. T^T I think I`m just as strict as Matt... -hugs Hirari- ily. <3 | |
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