Val's Story Team Application

The Light Breakers are a nomadic people. They like to travel through the lands and see many things. This is only their hobby. Their real job in life is to protect Light, and to keep Light balanced.

A Light Breaker's powers normally have to deal with Light, although it is not limited to only Light. Any user of any element may join. Lightning and Light are considered "higher class," and all other elements are considered "normal class." These classes don't mean anything other than the social status. Lower class can have more power and money than higher class, and vice versa. Darkness is a class of it's own. If someone has the element of darkness, they cannot be called a "True Light Breaker" until they have proven that their dark abilities are for helping Light, and not helping darkness.

A Light Breaker is a human. They can, and, with time, will die. However, a Light Breaker who is pure and strong can surpass death, and become one with Light. When this happens, his spirit takes a physical form of Light, as in Light shapes itself and turns itself solid. The Light Breaker then turns into a Light Dementia, one who has died and been reborn. He can take the physical shape of any shape he has held before. This means that he can choose which age he wants to be, and take the form that he had during that age. He then keeps that same age for the rest of eternity.

Light Dementias can cross through Heaven and back at will. They have met God, and God gave them the title for all they have done in life. It takes weeks to do so, however, and it leaves the Light Dementia without defense for days (As in they meditate to do this).

Breeding as a Light Dementia is the same as breeding as a human, except those born from a Light Dementia are also Light Dementias themselves. They are not born, because they never live. They start out dead.

A Light Breaker's powers are unlimited when alive, but when they turn into a Light Dementia, their powers grow ten fold, as do their weakness. A Light Dementia can walk into darkness without getting hurt, but their enlightened powers turn to that of a normal human's.

The original Light Dementia is able to move around through Light as if it were a room. He can bend Light to his will, and entirely control it. He is currently the Chief of the Light Breakers. Since Light Dementias can't die, this is a some-what permanent chair, meaning that the only way to become chief is to beat the current one.

If Light Dementias were ever in a position in which a normal human would die, their bodies disappear, and their souls are sent to heaven. When this happens, a journey of approximately 10 months is required to return to the living realm.

+ "The Light Breakers are a nomadic people. " → [unclear] "The Light Breakers is a nomadic group of people". Light Breakers assumes the noun as a group of something, therefore, it's singular; the verb should be plural.
+ "Any user of any element may join." → [wordy] "Users of any element should join". No need for the extra any.
+ Punctuations should be out of the quotations, unless it's a dialogue. (Ex: 1) "higher class," → "high class",; 2) "normal class." → "normal class".)
+ "Lower class can have more power and money than higher class, and vice versa." → [awkward] "Lower classes may have more power and money than high classes, or vice versa." If you're assuming that this fact can be the other way around, then using "can"s are a bit confusing.
+ "... until they have proven that their dark abilities are for helping Light, and not helping darkness." → [wordy] "... are helping Light, and not for Darkness." Again, here, you don't have to repeat the words.
+ "They can, and, with time, will die." → Frankly, I don't know how to change this; it's confusing. Sometimes commas are used as separators. But here, even if you exclude the commas, it still doesn't make sense. This either means that they can die with time or with time, they can die; What do you want to express? Try simplifying it.
+ "When this happens, his spirit takes a physical form of Light, as in Light shapes itself and turns itself solid." → [wordy] "... as in Light shapes itself and turns solid."
+ "The Light Breaker then turns into a Light Dementia," → [wordy] "The Light Breaker then transforms into a Light Dementia ...". You've already used "turns" in the last sentence.
+ "Breeding as a Light Dementia is the same as breeding as a human," → [wordy] "Breeding as a Light Dementia is identical to breeding as a human," IDK, something like that?
+ "their powers grow ten fold, as do their weakness." → [sub./verb agreement+awk.] "... and so as do their weaknesses."
+ "
If Light Dementias were ever in a position in which a normal human would die, their bodies disappear," → [assumption] "... their bodies would disappear,". Because you are assuming that IF this thing happens, THEN this other thing would happen. So putting a "would" is recommended.

Small Mistakes.
+ "These classes don't mean anything other than the social status." → "... their social status[es]."
+ "and it leaves the Light Dementia without defense for days (As in they meditate to do this)." → [capitalization] "... days (as in ... )". Haha, so small, so small.
+ "The original Light Dementia" → Isn't it supposed to be "An original ..."? Not sure. Are Light Dementias a living thing? o__x
+ "able to move around through Light as if it were a room." → I don't get it. Explain how Light can be referred to as a room.
+ "this is a some-what permanent chair," → LOL. Isn't "somewhat" one word? Not sure.

I'm amazed. You're surprisingly good at tenses. Or I'll put it this way, your tenses are better than mine. I get really picky when it gets to tenses, but wow, Erik, if I may call you that, you amazed me.

You have strong suspense.
It sort of reminds me of those demon/angel stories.

No.
I'm sorry.