xAsdfjkl; Art Team
Title : Sunnie Oni Kuroi Posts : 153 Join date : 2010-10-01 Age : 25
| Subject: ..Can I try again? Thu Nov 25, 2010 1:19 am | |
| Name: RL: Allisa. Otherwise, Sunnie. Age: Twelve. Grade Level: Seventh grade. Grade in English: -checks~ Ummuh. My school started grading with "+" and "-"... That's horrible. I have an A-... -cries~ Stories: A few. During religion, I wrote one about how Jesus stays in the Temple as a little kid. Sadly, I can't find it. However.. I have a new short story up my sleeve..
- Just a Dream:
I thought this was real.. It seemed SO real, but it.. wasn’t.
I was in this.. nursery? No, I think it was a music store. Well, I was about to head out the door when.. I saw this boy, thirteen or fourteen years old, sitting in the corner. He was wearing worn out jeans, and a black t-shirt. He seemed lonely. I walked over to him. “Hey, are you alright?” He said, “Yeah, I’m fine..” “Are you sure?” I sat down next to him. “I mean, you don’t look okay..” “Well.. I ran away from home..” My eyes widened, “No way..” “It’s true.” “You can.. come with me if you want,” I said quietly. “What?” he asked, bewildered. “Uh, I mean, wanna be friends? You look like you need one..” I shyly looked down. It was hard to look at him. He was.. amazing. He had intense, chocolate brown eyes, but they were full of sorrow. He had dark brown hair, it was almost black. He had normal Caucasian toned skin. He was.. I think.. my kind of boy. “Sure,” he said. His voice cracked, and I giggled. I stood up, grinned, and held out my hand to him, “C’mon, let’s make this friendship worth for.” “Don’t you.. have a place to go to?” He asked as he reluctantly took my hand. I hesitated, “Well, I’d rather be here with you, because...” I trailed off. He smilled, and I noticed that he was holding something. I looked down and saw a small, orange jewel heart stringed with a thin silver chain. Who’s was it? “Thanks.. What’s your name?” he asked. I snapped out of it, “Uh, I’m Allisa.” I was stupid not to ask his name. I never knew it.
I forgot what happened next, but most likely we went to different stores. We had fun, talked about normal teenage things, and goofed around. It was dark out when we stopped at a street corner to rest, and the moon shone brightly. I looked at him, and he was practically glowing silver. His eyes, now full of life, fixed on me. I thought, boy of my dreams. He said to me, “You know, your hair is beautiful in the moonlight.” I scoffed. “Yeah right. It looks horrible, as always.” “Your eyes are cute,” he insisted. I shook my head. “I’ll keep on going," he continued. "You’re my best friend. You’re fun to talk to. Your voice has an edge that I love. You’re the perfect girl for me.” I stared at him. “Well, your hair is perfect, and your eyes are hypnotizing me. Your personality is fun, and you’re simply.. Amazing..” He smiled his sweet smile. “I want you to be mine.” My heart soared. “I’m all yours..” He handed me the necklace. I placed it over my heart and wore it around my neck since that night.
Then, we headed to my home. My home was like a school, and it had dorms. Tiffany, Elizabeth, Zach, and everyone were there, including the teachers. I helped enroll the boy to our school, and he had to share a dorm with Zach. I face-palmed when I found that out. I went to my dorm that I shared with Tiffany and called it a night. The next day, the first period during school was social studies. Elizabeth sat to my right, and I think Zach sat to my left. The boy was sitting in the back corner. I practically slept that whole class. After class, the boy walked up to me. “Allisa, wanna go to the mall? You can bring a friend if you want.” (No, don’t ask questions about how after FIRST period, we went somewhere else. It just went like that.) I said “Sure,” and nodded to Tiffany. I grabbed her arm with one hand, and linked my free arm with the boy’s. We headed to the mall, which was right down the street. (Again, DON’T ASK.) We walked around the first floor, bought a few things, and went to get something to eat. “Let’s get ice cream?” Tiffany asked. We headed to a Baskin Robbins at the food court, and after we got our ice cream, we went to a table. After we finished, I held the boy’s hand tight and stayed close to him. Tiffany felt like the third wheel. “Let’s go home,” said the boy with a smile. I bet that he was happy to say the word “home” again.
The three of us head back to school, and after several classes, we all went back to our dorms. Before I went to my dorm with Tiffany, the boy ran up to me, and said, “I love you.” I replied, “I love you, too.”
And then.. I woke up. My hand shot up to my neck, and I was on the verge of crying when I found out that the necklace the boy gave me never had and never will exist.
Why I want to be in Story Team: Well, I'm trying again. I'm trying again because Annie... Annie gave me support. Well, I think she did. xD It doesn't matter whether you accept me or not. It just matters that I get better and better at writing. :3
Arigatou. Peace out. //Sunnie- | |
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Annie Art Team
Title : Hopeless Romantic ♡ Infractions : 0 Posts : 319 Join date : 2010-10-17 Age : 29 Location : ur room. ♥
| Subject: Re: ..Can I try again? Thu Nov 25, 2010 8:31 am | |
| Sunnie! So happy you're trying out~ <3 Since, supposedly, I'm having class right now, I'm pretty sure I'll only be giving you an answer and some suggestions~ - Answer~:
Yessssss! As you can tell by the moved thread... I've already accepted you! ^^
- Reasons/Support/Suggestions!!:
Technically, I didn't evaluate your last app form, so I can't really tell you if you've improved or not! >_< Although I must say, your tenses are pretty well used; I only found one spelling error (so far); smooth sentence structures; well-written story plot. As for the tension and suspense, you sorda gave if out when you said, and I state, "I thought this was real.. It seemed SO real, but it.. wasn’t." Haha. I know it's not part of the story, but you shouldn't give it away! XD But dw, that's just a careless mistake you shouldn't have added. x] As for the plot, it is well-constructed, but because it's a dream, you can't really slow down the pace of the two developing characters, so this is not your fault. When you write you next story, please put in mind that it is better to show how the characters are developing and what kind of traits they have.
Thanks for applying, dear Sunnie! :> | |
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